Clerk Rats-Vincent's Revenge
by gabriel ricard
Summary: Here it is folks, the SEQUEL!! to Hardly Clerkin! Dante settles into his new, better life once again with Veronica but a certain angst ridden mop boy watches from the shadows plotting revenge. Plus...Dante and Randal head to a certain famous mall to pick


Clerk Rats: The Most highly awaited sequel since Showgirls 2

Clerk Rats: Vincent's Revenge

The Most highly awaited sequel since _Showgirls 2_

Written by Gabe Ricard

Disclaimer: I don't own much in this fic. Like all the good characters, places, time periods, buildings, cloud formations and animals so don't sue. Also, there is a particular conversation involving _Star Wars_ and religion that was taken from the original _Clerks_ screenplay that never made it into the film. I claim no ownership of that particular piece what so ever and am only using it for the benefit of those who have not read the screenplay.

Well…here it is…several months after my initial _Clerks_ fan fic _Hardly Clerkin _I find myself finally sitting down to type up the continuation. Mostly because you cold bastards ignore everything else I write unless it's a list of some sort. This is a combination of a fic I wrote four years ago in a notebook but didn't include in _Hardly Clerkn_ and the rest came out of my creative flow (vodka and no sleep). Originally, the story was going to be Randal dragging Dante to the Graves/Bruce family reunion in a city of some kind. This would have allowed for people like Brodie to make an appearance and would have revolved around Dante's car being stolen and the two having to get back home. In the end I scrapped that in favor of combining the places and settings of _Mallrats_ and _Clerks_ though there's always a shot I could use that somewhere down the road or someone else could take and make it into something that'll put this to shame. (Hence, the clever title which I actually thought of myself this time). Okay, okay ramblings over sit back and enjoy and as always I hope you enjoy this.

There was a word Dante was trying to think of to sum up his current life situation, what was it? He always tried to think of it late at night when he was attempting sleep but it never came to him and he imagined it would stay that way. That was fine with him. If that became the biggest crisis of his life, you wouldn't see him complaining. Even his job at Quick Stop didn't seem so bad anymore, now that he was taking two nights off a week to go to a community college to get a degree in Business Management. Yes, things where going great and he wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Especially the fact that he was now living with Veronica. For the life of himself, he couldn't figure out why he hadn't done that sooner. But now there was something he had to tell her. Something he knew she wouldn't like. "Hey Veronica…" he gently nudged her.

"What?" she asked wishing she wasn't so easy to wake up and wanting to go back to sleep. "Don't even tell me you want to do it again."

Dante smiled, "No. I just wanted to say I love you."

"I love you too. Anything else?" she asked with a hint of tired sarcasm.

"Well yeah…there's something I've been meaning to tell you-"

Dante's explanation was cut short, as there was a loud bang on the door. Silent horror filled Dante who knew well who was at the door.

Veronica was now a good deal more awake, "Oh my god Dante! Someone's at the door! Who could it be?"

"I have a fairly good idea."

"What? What do you mean by tha-"

At that moment the door burst open and in walked the man that had most likely just ruined Dante's night, Randal Graves scourge of the video renter. "Are you two done yet? I really need to use your car."

"Randal?!"

"Oh hey Veronica…while I'm here thanks for letting me stay at your place," he turned to Dante and noticed the frantic look in his eyes, "Didn't you tell her?"

"LEAVE! NOW!"

"Whoops…guess not." Randal turned and walked out with swiftness, hoping to avoid an awkward situation.

Veronica turned to Dante and Dante knew things where on the verge of hell. "Dante…sweetheart…why is Randal here at three-thirty in the morning?"

"Well…he…um…was thrown out by his parents. He had no where to go so I let him stay here."

"And how long has this been going on?" The calmness in her voice was unnerving Dante to no end.

"Since Tuesday."

"Tuesday hm? Dante, I'm going to kill you in the morning but for now I think for the sake of your ability to father children you better go sleep somewhere else."

"But Veronica-"

"NOW! We're going to have a nice, long, sex-less conversation tomorrow night when I get back from classes and you get off work."

"Sex-less?"

"I'll say it one more time Dante…go…NOW!!!"

**__**

Outside the room…two minutes and forty-seven seconds later… 

"Thanks Randal."

"You really don't know how to handle women do you?"

"If you say anything else…I think I may kill you."

"So can I borrow your car keys?"

Dante sat down in the chair and pushed out the footrest, wrapping himself up in a blanket, as it was horribly cold, "You have got some nerve." He sighed, "Why?"

"I want to get some of those pizza combo's."

"Pizza what?"

  
"Pizza combo's. It's this snack thing with pepperoni, cheese, and pizza sauce wrapped in a tiny crispy pizza like crust. It's the greatest snack ever invented."

Dante wanted to get up and fetch a second blanket but didn't have the strength to. He also had just realized that they where all in Veronica's room and he had no desire what so ever to go back in there and face her horrible wrath, " I can't believe you go thrown out of your house."

"I was with a woman too."

"It was a porno movie!"

Randal shrugged, "Same thing…it's your fault you didn't tell her yet. So can I?"

Dante reached down and picked up his pants which he had brought with him from Veronica's room, pulled out the car keys and threw them to Randal who caught them with ease, "I'll be back…"

"I wait with baited breath."

"I know you will," and with that Randal was gone to pursue his snack and Dante was alone in the incredibly cold living room with one blanket. And to top this off he had to go into work tomorrow on account of the new employee Mr. Snyder had hired quitting less then three days after starting. He heard Randal explode out of the driveway and thought grimly _this is not a good way to start the day_. 

**__**

Next day…Quick Stop…three hours, five minutes and eleven seconds after opening

"Hey! You cock smokin clerk! Wake up and service us!" Dante, who actually hadn't fallen asleep, lifted his head off the counter and to everyone's surprise but his, saw Jay and his "hetero life-mate" Silent Bob. "But don't get any ideas on the servicin part snoogans."

"What do you want?"

"We wants to shop lift."

"Come again?"

Jay turned to Silent Bob, "My mans deaf." He leaned forward, "WE WANTS TO SHOPLIFT!" he leaned back and grinned, "Neh." 

"Why the hell are you asking me? The whole point of shoplifting is to steal without the clerk knowing."

"Yeah but see we…yeah…uh…SNOOTCHY BOOTCHY NOOCHIES!!!" with that Jay ran out carrying several snack cakes. Silent Bob watched him run then turned to Dante and pointed behind the counter. Dante knew immediately what he wanted and put a pack of cigarettes on the counter. Silent Bob then handed him a five and walked out, lighting himself one as he did. As Jay and Silent Bob left, Randal made his way in carrying a small bag of combo's. He walked over to the counter and saw that there where no tapes.

"No one brought anything in?" he asked with a hint of genuine surprise.

"It's too early. I don't think enough people are aware of the new hours."

"That's true. You have to agree that if people actually came in though word would spread more quickly."

"You got me there. Go open the store anyway."

"But I just got here! No one even comes in for another two hours and you always tell me to go as soon as I get here."

"It's so the next twelve hours I spend with you don't seem so bad and to avoid people giving me due tapes with death threats on it."

"No one does that."

"Ms. Anderson does."

"The 80 year old widow? No way. How come I've never seen them?"

"I throw them out. They're pretty graphic too. They're not the only ones either. I'd say that you have more hits on you then Dominick Bambino. Now get outta here and don't come back till 11."

"Can I take a Gatorade with me?"

"Do you have money?"

"In the store but not on me."

"Then until 11 the answer is no."

"Fucking cheapskate I could just take one," muttered Randal storming out. As he stormed out he felt a foot stick out just as he came out of the store. Before he could react he crashed to the ground and looked up to see Jay and Silent Bob standing over him grinning.

"Guess you better watch where you're going…snoogans."

Randal said nothing only pulling himself up and continuing on to the video store. Jay looked up at Silent Bob and continued to wear his stupid grin, "We showed him Silent Bob. It was a fucking great idea to come back and start dealing again." Silent Bob said nothing and only nodded finishing off his cigarette and flicking it away. He then looked over to Jay and gave him an annoyed expression. "What?." Silent Bob gave him a sarcastic expression and lit a second cigarette.

**__**

One hour and fifty nine minutes later…

"It's eleven now so don't even try and kick me out," exclaimed Randal heading to his trusty place behind the counter with Dante armed with a drink, bag of pizza combo's and a porno magazine which he snatched from the rack behind him.

"I wont," said Dante working on some homework with a textbook propped up to his right.

"I was watching _Jedi_ again while I was in the store which no one came into by the way. And there was something going on in _Jedi_ and as hard as it may to believe I didn't notice it until today."

"We've established that incest was probably the norm in the imperial family."

(AUTHORS NOTE: The previously mentioned borrowed dialogue begins here.)

"No not that…All right, Vader's boss…"

"The Emperor."

"Now the Emperor is a kind of a spiritual figure right?"

"How do you mean?"

"Well he's like the pope for the dark side of the force. He's a holy man; a shaman kind of, albeit an evil one."

"I guess."

"Now, he's in charge of the Empire. The imperial government is under his control. And the entire galaxy is under Imperial rule."

"Yeah."

"Then wouldn't that logically mean it's a theocracy? If the head of the empire is a priest of some sort then it stands to reason that the government would be one based on religion."

"It would stand to reason yes."

"Hence, the Empire was a fascist theocracy and the rebel forces where battling religious persecution."

"More or less," Dante cursed a mistake in his work under his breath.

"The only problem is that at no point in the entire series did I hear any of the rebels express a particular religious belief of any kind."

"I think they where Catholics

(AUTHORS NOTE: Borrowed dialogue ends here) 

"It would answer an awful lot of questions," at that moment two men walked into the store and right away Dante and Randal could tell they where a couple.

"Excuse me," snapped the taller of the two. "Could we get a little help here?"

"Sure. What do you need?" asked Dante.

"Which one of you boys runs that little video store next by?"

"That would be me," answered Randal flatly never looking up from his porno magazine.

"Well could you bring yourself over to the store and open it so me and my partner can get a tape."

"What do you want?"

"Men Alone 3: Prison Princess."

"Afraid I can't help you."

The tall one put his hands on his hips, "And why not?!"

"I barely have enough energy to turn a page in this magazine let alone get up and get you a porno movie and a bad one at that."

Dante rolled his eyes. Knowing Randal hadn't torn into any customers all day and also knew that these guys where quickly heading down that path. "Just let them get their movie."

"No. Let em come back later."

The shorter of the couple finally spoke, "Well we REFUSE to leave until we are granted satisfaction."

This caused Randal to look down from his magazine, "Well in that case I guess I have no choice."

The short one smirked and folded his arms, "We didn't think so."

Randal reached over and took a long drink from the drink he grabbed earlier and spit the entire contents onto the male couple. For a moment, both of them looked simply stunned unable to comprehend what had just happened. Then, in unison the two attempted to leap across the counter and attempt attack Randal who didn't move an inch as Dante played his usual role of peacekeeper. After a couple minutes of pure chaos, Dante got the two to leave but not before they promised Randal would pay before the day was out.

"Why must you do that?"

"Oh come on they had that coming and you know it."

"I guess…you know there's something weird about today."

"What do mean?"

"I don't know. I just feel like there's some important life altering thing I should be doing today and yet I can't put my finger on it. It's probably because I got a good forty minutes of sleep last night."

"Couldn't tell you how that happened."

Dante glared, "Anyway, go get the TV and a movie. It can be alien, chicken-man hermaphroditic porn for all care."

"Will do," Randal replied tossing the magazine back onto the rack and heading out the door. Dante was about to slip into a sleep but the phone rang and grumbling, he picked it up, "Hello?"

"Hey you."

"Veronica! Hi! Aren't you still pissed off at me?"

"Not as much…we can try and work something out with Randal. I wish you had told me though."

"I know…I just know how much you love Randal."

"Other than you, does ANYONE like Randal."

"His cousin Brodie does. He even tried to get him on the _Tonight Show_ but they wouldn't let him. Randal claims it was the sole reason Brodie quit the show."

"I'll bet."

"Still it's weird of you to be so easy going about this. What's up?"

"I just thought about what undoubtedly sweet thing you have planned for me tonight and it was easy to forgive and forget. Besides, we haven't had a single fight since we got together and I would like to keep it that way."

Dante nodded, "Me too."

"Well I've got to get back to class. I'll see you tonight. Are you closing?"

"Sadly yes. But, I can get Randal to close for me around nine. Can you come by then?"

"Sure. Love you."

"Love you too." Dante heard a click on the other end and put the phone down. "What did she mean by 'undoubtedly sweet thing you have planned for me tonight?'" Dante was silent as he tried to figure out what she had meant when Randal returned with the TV/VCR and a video on top. 

"I brought some movie called _Slacker_. It was all I could think of."

"All right."

"So," said Randal setting the machine down on the counter and slipping the tape in. "What did you get Veronica for her birthday?"

Dante who had just taken a sip of his _Gatorade_ spit it all out and turned to Randal with the most terrified look on his face that Randal had ever seen, "WHA-WHA-WHAT DID YOU SAY?!"

"I said, what did you get Veronica for her birthday?"

"TODAY'S HER BIRTHDAY?!?!"

"Yep…oh no…you forgot didn't you?"

"YES!!"

"Wow…are you ever up shit creek."

"YOU KNEW ALL THIS TIME AND DIDN'T EVEN TELL ME!!"

Randal began to get a little defensive, "Hey it's not my fault! You should know these things!"

"Fuck! What the hell am I going to do?!"

"I dunno man…just watch the movie we'll figure something out."

"I need to get to the mall…I gotta get something for her."

"Okay. Are we gonna leave now?"

"We?! You can't come! I need someone to watch the store."

"Perhaps I can be of some assistance."

Dante recognized the voice immediately and whirled around to see Vincent standing in the doorway perfecting his evil angst look. "Vincent! Thank god! Can you watch the store?"

"I would find it most amusing to say no and watch as your pathetic pseudo-life is crushed under the force of fate. However since I-"

"Have no life, will watch the store, mop up the floors and fucking like it?" asked Randal.

If Vincent's facial expressions ever changed it would be most likely that he would scowl at Randal as he looked up at him, "And I see you're quick witted white trash chum is here as well. And why can't you watch the store?"

"We're getting married and I want to get fitted for my wedding dress. I'm hoping to be a spring bride."

"CAN WE JUST FUCKING GO?!" cried Dante, bolting out the door. 

Randal shook his head and turned to Vincent, "Have fun Vinny."

Vincent gave Randal a cold smile, "My retribution will come soon Graves. You can bet on that." Randal said nothing and ran out the door, barely making it into the car as Dante pulled out and blasted down the road. Vincent watched them leave then headed to the counter and picked up the phone, "Hello Brian? It's Vincent. Is the tape Jeff made ready? Excellent…and I called in the favor with Marlboro. I know…we will have our revenge tonight. Dante and Randal will rue the day they ever met me. All right…I believe they will go to Eden Prairie so they should be back around four. Bring the tape and I'll call Marlboro and make sure Jason has everything in place. Good…until then." Vincent hung up the phone and leaned forward. A moment later a man wearing a _Buddy Christ_ shirt and some black shorts made his way into the store. Vincent looked at the dazed look on his face and recognized him immediately.

"I NEED COFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

****

Four minutes and thirty-one seconds later in the car of one Dante Hicks….

"So where are we going?" asked Randal.

"Eden Prairie," replied Dante feeling a small deal more calm then he had been a few minutes prior.

"I can't believe you forgot her birthday."

"I hadn't! I was going to pick up this really nice picture frame for her on my way to work this morning. But, I was so tired I forgot about it and now there's no way it's still there because the morons who run the store only get three per month and they're sold within minutes."

"You got her a picture frame?" asked Randal, seemingly oblivious to Dante's problem. "And people question MY methods with the opposite sex."

"What methods?"

"That hurt. Care to hear what my cousin Walt used to do for HIS girlfriends birthday?"

"No."

"He used to slip her fertility drugs."

"What?! Why?"

"It was their idea of dangerous sex. It was like her greatest thrill."

"Dangerous sex?"

"Yep."

"Was this the same girl that used to screw a candy cane?"

"The same."

"What happened to her?"

"Got pregnant…moved to New York. Supposedly had triplets."

"I doubt it."

"Never know…are we there yet?"

"Almost."

**__**

Eleven minutes and forty-eight seconds later at the monument of mass consumerism: Eden Prairie…

"Why WHERE you kicked out of your house?" asked Dante as they emerged from the car and began walking towards the mall.

"My parental units felt that at my age I should be paying rent on my room."

"What do they need your money for?"

"Dad lost his job. Car."

Dante stopped as a car zoomed past him then another and several more. Dante rolled his eyes and turned to Randal, "So that's the only reason you where kicked out? I mean besides the porn movie."

"Well…it was hermaphrodite porn and I think it really scared her. Which is usually funny but not this time for some odd reason."

"Again? You never did get over that from that night when you rented _best of both worlds_ did you?"

"Nope…perhaps I should seek help."

"Perhaps?" asked Dante with a hint of sarcasm, the two finally saw an opening to walk across and did so quickly opening the doors and stepping inside the mall.

"How does one man get to be so funny?" asked Randal. "It's been a while since I came here. Ever since that _Star Wars _action figure debacle. So, where are we heading?"

"Jewels n stuff. I'm gonna get her a necklace."

"On your budget?"

"Yes on my budget…I have the 75 dollars I was putting down to get that picture frame. I also happen to know that you have about 100 dollars on you."

"Look man if you think I'm going to-"

"For what you did to me this morning…fifty bucks should be a small compensation."

Randal didn't reply and pointed to his left, "Look who it is." Before Dante could say anything Randal walked over to a display where Willam who appeared as if he had _gained_ weight standing in front of something that neither Dante nor Randal could actually see but still knew all too well what it was. 

"Hey Willam…long time no see."

Willam turned around and smiled at the sight of Dante and Randal, "Woah…haven't seen you guys in years."

"Sure feels like it," replied Dante walking next to Willam and seeing that he was still staring at the magic eye and was still attempting to find the sail boat. Dante immediately felt a great deal of pity inside him for Willam. "Still haven't seen it yet have you?"

"NO! And this is the first day I've been here since I got out of the nut house."

"The nut house?" asked Randal.

"Don't ask…so what's up? You guys work here now?"

"No…we're here to get something. We better get going. Happy hunting."

"Sure thing." Willam took a sip of his soda and returned to his cold gaze on the magic eye. Dante gave Randal a motion to go and the two continued to make their way to Jewels n stuff.

"You know…I'm kinda hungry," remarked Randal a few moments later.

"Can it wait until we're done?"

"Come on…we have to pass through the food court anyway."

"Fine…make it quick. Where do you want to go?"

"This new burger place over here looks good. I don't think I've ever seen one before."

Dante looked up at the title of the place which read _Burger World_ "I've never seen it either."

"This actually looks pretty good," Dante observed walking in and seeing a man making the burgers at the far end of the counter and at the front was the teller. It actually looked a lot like a cafeteria. "Hurry up and get what you want."

  
"You're not getting anything?"

"Not hungry."  


"Damn. This means I have to pay. By the way, how did you know I had money and almost the exact amount for that matter."  


"We did just get paid a few days ago and I made an educated guess on how much you hadn't blown."

"I can't believe you where right. Well, pretty close."

"Maybe I'm psychic…hey is anyone gonna help us?"

"I have no idea," answered Randal leaning forward. "Hey can we get someone over here?" he turned to Dante, "There's SO many people here."

"For a good reason it seems," said Dante just as the guy who had been working the teller when they came in returned and stared at Dante and Randal blankly. 

"Can we get something to eat?" asked Randal.

"No I'm afraid not."

"Why the hell not?"

"You see…I'm not supposed to be here today."

"Well, since you ARE here do you think you could get me a burger?"

"You don't get it," replied the man behind the counter. His voice getting higher and higher, "I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE TODAY!"

"Okay, okay. We'll leave," Randal and Dante turned to leave but the man leapt over the counter and grabbed Randal's shoulder, 

"NO WAIT! YOU WANT YOUR BURGER! I'LL GIVE YOU YOUR DAMN BURGER!" the man grabbed several burgers that where already packaged and threw them all at both Randal at Dante causing Dante to fall back and hit the ground with a sickening thud. By now the other guy behind the counter had come over and was restraining the man "Look I'm really sorry about this…guys having some personal problems you know how it is."

"Sure," answered Dante rising to his feet and holding his head.

"You still want a burger?"

"No thanks," said Randal slowly backing out of the restaurant with Dante. The two where soon out and decided to go directly to _Jewels n Stuff_.

"I hope this works…I'm terrible at buying jewelry."

"I've pretty much determined that you're just inept in the fields of relationship." Dante glared at him as they made their way into the store. For the most part, it was a rather unremarkable little store with a few blown up pictures decorating the walls and some necklaces, bracelets, rings and other various trinkets in several glass cases. Dante and Randal walked over to the front counter and Dante peered into the bargain case.

"Sorry," said the woman behind the counter who held an arrogant, smirk on her face, "We don't take food stamps here."

"Who said anything about food stamps? I have money."

"We also don't take MONOPOLY MONEY."

"What is it with us and insane clerks?" wondered Randal to Dante.

Dante ignored Randal, as he was growing angrier by the second, "I don't have Monopoly money…I have real money with a real intention to buy something."

"I'm sure you do…"

"You look awfully familiar. What's your name?" asked Randal.

"That's none of your business you low class." 

At that moment the words "low class," rang through Randal's head and he realized who it was, "Oh my god! You're Amanda Gross!"

"Maybe."

"I'm confu-" Dante stopped as a similar realization came to him, "Oh my god! It IS her! But why is she treating us like dirt?"

"Take a wild guess asshole."

"Don't tell me you still hold a grudge from when Brodie punched out your bitch grandmother."

"Jesus Randal…"

"It's true! And you can't possibly STILL hold a grudge from that day."

"Oh I do…it's not everyday you're 70 year old grandmother has her nose broken by a man young enough to be her grandson."

"So why are you mad at me?" exclaimed Randal. "It's not like I punched her out."

"No…but you are his cousin and if I remember correctly you laughed as if it was the funniest thing you had ever seen."

"Still is."

"And why am I being punished?"

"Guilty by association."

"Fine. Can you at least sell me the bracelet at the far right of the case?" Amanda said nothing, but reached behind the counter, snatched it and put in a case and handed it to Dante who paid for it without saying a word also. His mission accomplished Dante walked out of the shop.

Randal followed but before he did he turned back to Amanda and smiled, "By the way there was actually something that replaced that day as the funniest thing I've ever seen."

"Oh? What would that be?" Amanda folded her arms and stared at Randal with an icy gaze.

"That bullshit lawsuit you tried to slap on Brodie like the month he got on _The Tonight Show_. What was that about?" before Amanda could respond Randal walked out briskly to catch up with Dante.

"Can we go now?"

"Yeah. I'll be glad to get back to the store…I probably should take Veronica to a nice restaurant tonight."

"Sounds like a plan…and you'll convince her to let me stay with you guys until I can find my own place right? I mean I don't like it as much as you do."

Dante rolled his eyes, "I'm sure." The two where now making good time through the mall making sure to avoid contact with all other people. "Are we gonna watch the movie when we get back."

"Sure…but I'm probably leaving early so I can get ready to take Veronica out…and you're probably closing tonight."

"Your responsibility astounds me."

"As well it should…I just hope we can make it out of this mall without running into any-" Dante's words where cut short as a young woman crashed into them and both feel back, a cell phone flew out of the woman's hands and crashed onto the ground.

"Shit! My phone!" she turned to yell at whoever had smashed into her but stopped momentarily when she saw who it was, "Dante?"

"What horrible aspect of our past awaits us NOW," muttered Randal who figured out who it was right away. "Do you LIVE at the mall Dish?"

Tricia Jones shot Randal an angry glare, "Oh look you're with Dante…what a surprise."

Now it was Randal's turn to shoot Tricia a scowl as he knew what Tricia meant and even though Dante knew as well it was still something he didn't like to be reminded of. Dante was finally on his feet and shook Tricia's hand, "It's been awhile since I've seen you how are things?"

"All right."

"Working on a new book aren't you?" asked Randal.

"Yes. That's right."

"On what?" asked Dante. "I mean, you've already written a book on the sex drive of men so what are you writing? A romance novel."

"No it's another-"

"It's a sex book on women!" exclaimed Randal. Dante lost it and hit Randal in the shoulder. "What?! it's true!"

"Sometimes you are so-"

"Dante as moronic as Randal may be he's right."

"Really? Wow…why?"

"Anything to do with you're sister being Fingercuffs?" asked Randal. This time it was Tricia's turn to strike as she came quite literally out of nowhere and punched Randal in the jaw knocking him out.

Dante looked around and saw that no one was really paying attention, relieved he looked back down at Randal and snickered, "I can't begin to tell you how funny this is. You don't strike me as the violent type."

"Well, it was a long standing request from Alyssa but no one said I didn't want to punch the asshole. I'd like to tell you all about the book but I have to meet Lafours in an hour. That's who I was talking to before you destroyed my cell. " 

"Yeah…I'm sorry about that…I could-"

"Save your money Dante. I know you didn't mean to. "

"So you're still seeing Lafours?" 

"Kinda…well I better get going. It was nice seeing you again. Tell Randal the exact opposite when he finally comes to."

Dante cracked a smile, "Will do." He watched Tricia walk away and still mildly surprised at what he had heard leaned down and knocked softly on Randal's forehead. To his surprise Randal's eyes popped open immediately and he sat up, picking up his hat and returning it top its rightful place.

"I take it the Dish is gone."

"Yes…you can stop pretending to be dead. She won't hurt you anymore."

"What is with people always wanting to hurt me."

"Must be that remarkable outgoing personality. So how's it feel to get your ass kicked by a teenage girl?"

"She's like twenty now I bet and she didn't kick my ass. I let her knock me down. I'm telling you that was one of the weakest punches I've ever been privy to."

"Okay Randal. Let's get out of here. I need to think of a good place to take Veronica. I wanna make this count." Randal nodded and walked out with Dante. The two finally made it back to Dante's car and where soon on their way to the store unaware of what awaited them next.

**__**

Fourteen minutes and fifty-two seconds

"Hey…why is there an police car here?"

Randal shrugged, "Beats me…I'm used to it by now."

"Me too…" agreed Dante slowly as he pulled the car into the store and got out. "Go open the video store."

"I gotta see what this is about."

Dante knew it was useless to argue and simply walked into the store where he was greeted by a police officer and a very cheerful Vincent, "Hello officer…what's going on?" As Randal said Dante was used to dealing with cops by now was looking to make this go by quickly.

"Dante!" cried Vincent, "Thank god you came back! I was worried you would do something terrible."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Dante and Randal asked in unison.

The officer gave a fake cough into his hand, "I was called down here by Mr. Mosier (Authors note: I have no idea what Vincent's last name is so I used Scott Mosiers…clever no?) Who showed great concern for the both of you. He said that you had both been acting incredibly erratic and after the video he showed me I'm…inclined to agree with him."

"Video?" they asked. Again, in unison.

"I'm sorry guys…" interrupted Vincent with a startling amount of false sincerity. "I knew I couldn't get you guys the help you so badly needed unless…I had proof." With that he hit play on the TV/VCR Randal had brought in. What came on the screen was sometime in the store. A moment later, someone dressed as the Easter Bunny came into the store and a couple minutes after, Randal began walking around the bunny and throwing things at it. Dante immediately remembered as the day last year when the guy dressed as the Easter Bunny at the mall came into the store drunk and Randal decided to as always make things difficult. What happened next was what shocked Dante. When instead of the drunken slurs from Mick who played the Easter Bunny every year he heard his own voice.

"Oh Randal! You bad boy! Harder! Harder!"  


Dante felt his stomach leap into his throat, he turned to the cop with a terrified expression, "I never said that!"

The cop looked at his feet and sighed, "Son…the video tape doesn't lie. Mr. Mosier here told me that you to have been scaring customers of the store and acting in a very strange way like playing hockey on the roof of this store. He just needed this video to do what he had to do."

"What?!"

"Have you both committed to Marlboro until we can decide what to do with you." 

"Don't worry guys they'll help you."

"Vincent!" cried Dante, "I swear to god!" at that moment he and Randal where pulled out of the store and shoved into the policeman's car. Both clerks turned to the back window and watched as Vincent waved from the doorway a horrible smirk on his face. 

"We've been set up," said Dante.

"Really? I'm thinking this is just an elaborate joke. Anyyyy minute I expect the car to turn around and take us back."

"Why the hell did he do it?" asked Dante ignoring his friend.

"I guess he REALLY wanted our jobs…."

"This is great…now I'll never see Veronica."  


"SOMEONE'S got a one track mind…"

Dante cast a wayward eye at Randal, "But with luck…I'll get a padded cell and be away from Mr. No Fucking Help Whatsoever."

**__**

Eighteen minutes and one second later in one of the cool, comforting padded cells of Marlboro…

"God hates me…that's it. That's the only logical answer."

"You can't request a padded cell."

"Maybe if I kill you I can get one…" Dante who's legs and whole body where sore after his gown was forced on tried to walk over at his new old man speed to strangle Randal but stopped and sighed.

"Hey look at this guy over there." Dante looked over at one of the tables in the recreational room and saw a man probably in his 50's sitting at a table holding up a checker piece to his ear as if it was revealing some sort of secret to him.

"So?"

"It's just funny. I figure we're gonna be here for awhile so the REAL crazy people can be our entertainment. Plus there'll be angry baths."

"Angry baths?"

"Sure…angry baths. Ever heard of an angry bath."

"Obviously not. Must be that incredibly sheltered upbringing."

"Must be. Anyway I saw them on the _Drew Carrey Show_. Last night actually."

"And if it's on the _Drew Carrey Show_ then is must be true."

"Hey, there's more truth in that show then you think my friend." 

A moment later a patient with hair like Dr. Forrester from _Mystery Science Theater 3000 _came up to them. "So…WHAT are YOU boys…in…FOR?"

"Why the hell are you yelling on every other word?" asked Randal

"It's SO…people…WILL…hear…ME. What ARE you IN for?"

"A kid named Vincent set us up."

"Vincent MOSIER?"

"That's the guy. How did you know?"

"He was here a few years ago…crazy kid too."

"Hey, you're not yelling on every other word anymore," observed Randal.

"It's an on…OFF…kinda…thing. Anyway…I'd sure like to get back at that little SHIT." Some of the other people in the room stopped and stared at them on that comment. Everyone returned to what they where doing and the Dr. Forrester look a like continued with his story, "He was so…MEAN to me. It's his…FAULT I'M NOT OUT…of here…I swear I'm going to get him someday."

"You're not just in here for talking like that are you?"

"No…I RAN…naked…through…food…CITY clotheslining PEOPLE."

Dante turned to Randal, "We need to get out of here."

"What we wants to know is how the hell you's guys got in here in the first place."

"For the first time ever I'm glad to hear that voice!" Randal exclaimed turning around to see Jay and Silent Bob.

"I'm not even going to ask," muttered Dante.0

"I am. Why the hell are you here?"

"Business my man."

"In a mental institution?"

"Oh yeah…we acts like family then we sell like mad rats in here. Loonies are good buyers."

"Can you get us out of here?"

"Whats in it for us?" asked Jay. 

Silent Bob elbowed him in side eliciting an angry glare from Jay, "They're two of our only friends and you know it. Let's just help them out."

"Oh? Gonna do that one liner shit again?"  


"Jesus will you shut the fuck up! No one buys a thing here and you know it. The only reason we come here is so you can have a date which also never works."

Jay looked at the ground defeated, "Well there was that one…"

"She was heavily medicated."

"Can you go back to not talking?" Silent Bob shrugged and didn't say another word. Jay looked at Dante and Randal in their hospital gowns and shook his head, "All right…we'll help you out."

"Great. So what should we do?"

"I dunno." As these words left Randal's lips and explosion broke out several feet away from them causing them to duck to the ground.

Randal turned to Dante, "And you said god hated you."

"What the fuck was that?!"

"I did it! I did it!" cried an elderly man, "My bomb worked! Everybody out!"

"Seems logical," thought Dante aloud rushing out through the hole in the wall with Randal, Jay, and Silent Bob as well as the Dr. Forrester look a like who disappeared the moment they got out.

"How are we gonna get back to the store looking like this?" asked Dante. The question was swiftly answered as a car pulled up with Dr. Forrester inside, "Get…IN!"

None of the four thought anything of an escaped mental patient in what was obviously a stolen car and got in. "I think it's impressive you know how to drive," commented Randal.

"Who said THAT? I haven't driven IN YEARS!"

"I wish I knew what time it is…" asked Dante to no one in particular.

"Almost nine I'd bet," Randal guessed.

"I'm fucked. I'm going to have to try and be ready for Veronica."

"Do or do not do. There is no-"

Jay reached across Dante and smacked Silent Bob's shoulder before he could finish, "Shut the fuck up!"

Randal turned to Silent Bob, "Are we really your only real friends?"

**__**

Fifteen minutes and forty-eight seconds later at the Quick Stop…

"I'm afraid so Mr. Synder. Yes, I think it is a great tragedy also. They where a great service to the store. I'll be happy to watch the store for you tomorrow and the video store. I can also find someone to work the store tomorrow. Thank you Mr. Synder your faith in me will not go to waste." Vincent hung up the phone and was now feeling very pleased with himself. A feeling he hadn't had in many years. He had eliminated both Randal who he hated for then anyone else in his life and Dante who he thought was a spineless worm and would only get in his way. "Now," he said out loud even though there was no one in the store at the present moment, "I can take _RST Video_ to a level of video retailing greatness it has only dreamed about."

"Trust me, no one wants to rent videos from an angst ridden mop boy."

"It can't be…" Vincent whirled around to see Dante and Randal still dressed in Hospital gowns standing in the doorway, almost looking like triumphant super heroes. "How the hell did you two get out?! I made sure… you'd be stuck there and wouldn't be able to get o-" Vincent's words where cut violently short as Jay and Silent Bob appeared behind him grabbed him and threw him through the small space on the counter. 

"THAT'S for hittin me with a broom last month mop-bitch. Snoogans."

"You won't get away with this!" muttered Vincent pulling himself up and scowling at Randal, Dante, Jay and Silent Bob. 

"You know what," said Randal, "I've had all I'm gonna take from you. I say we step outside and settle this once and for all."

"I like that…anywhere you wish to be buried."

"Yeah. Behind you're mothers house." Vincent gave no reply and walked towards the door. He stepped outside. The mistake Vincent made was in turning around quickly to make sure Randal stepped outside which he did for if he had been a little more careful he would have seen the Dr. Forrester look a like pull up and grab Vincent, pulling him into the car and driving off.

Dante stepped out and stood next to Randal watching as the car drove off into the night, "You planned that didn't you?"

"Me? No way." Randal grinned with false modesty.

Dante then saw a car pull in and saw that it was Veronica's. His heart froze and his body went numb. Veronica emerged from the car and stopped at the sight of Dante and Randal in hospital gowns, "What happened to you two?"

At that point, Jay and Silent Bob came from the store. "I think our work here is done. Come on Silent Bob let's go see if the Dish is still pissed off at us." Silent Bob was tempted to correct Jay as to who Tricia was pissed off at but deciding he had spoken enough for one day simply nodded. Dante prolonged his explanation to Veronica and turned to gave the "stoner element" one last word of thanks before they made their way down the street, Jay babbling incessantly about the evenings plans.

"So you want to know what happened?" asked Dante to Veronica knowing full well what the answer would be.

**__**

Forty seven minutes and zero seconds later…

"Thanks for going back to pick us up some clothes," said Dante emerging from the bathroom fully dressed. Randal had dressed first.

"You're welcome…I still find your story a little hard to believe."

"I know…god I wish I still had the bracelet I bought…I should make it a point to go to Marlboro and pick it up."

"Aren't you a runaway patient now?"

"I guess…I don't know what I'm going to do about that."

"I'm not worried," said Randal.

"Why?"

"Trust me."

"Are you gonna close?" asked Veronica turning to Dante

"No fucking way...I want to do something for your Birthday."

Veronica leaned forward and kissed him, "Don't worry. You can make it up another day. Let's go home."

Dante looked back at Randal who was leaning against the counter, "What about him?"

"If he tries to find his own place…and I see him as little as possible, I guess he can stay."

"Then let's get the hell out of here. If I see this place again it'll be too soon."

"So that means you'll open tomorrow?" asked Randal.

"Pretty much," replied Dante as the three walked out of the store and Dante stretched the arm that wasn't around Veronica out and turned out all the lights.

**__**

Two days later…

"Hello?" Dante asked picking up the ringing phone behind the store.

"Hello…DANTE."

"Is this the guy from Marlboro?"

"One AND ONLY."

"Where are you?"

"BACK IN…Marlboro. I decided I still need a little help. I've got someone…HERE with me."

"Vincent?"

"Yep…I got him to tell EVERYTHING. HOW HE had some college friends make some tape and then USED HIS connection here to MAKE SURE YOU AND YOUR FRIEND would be here for a long time. It was DECIDED he could stand to spend some more time HERE."

"So we're cleared?"

"UH-HUH."

"Thanks…what's your name anyway?"

"Oh…IT'S…Frank."

"Drop me a line when you get out."

"YOU BET! WELL…bye." Frank hang up the phone and looked over at Vincent who was sitting in the corner no doubt thinking many dark evil thoughts. A woman walked by then stopped at the sight of him and leaned down,

"You're pretty. What's your name?"

"Vincent."

"Mine's Caitlin."

**__**

Back at the store…

"You knew all along didn't you?" asked Dante as Randal wrangled into the store.

"About what?"

"That Frank would get a full confession out of Vincent."

"Somewhat."

"Sometimes your cleverness scares the shit out of me."

"As well it should. Want me to watch the store so you can head down to Marlboro and pick up the bracelet?"

"Could you?"

"Sure. Just let me go get the TV and a movie." Randal walked out of the store and headed towards the video store and stopped as blocking the store was a small group of very obvious looking gay men. Randal recognized two of them as the couple from two days ago.

"Remember what we said about satisfaction?" grinned the taller of the couple.

"Vaguely."

"Well you will…" he turned to his friends behind him, "Ladies let's get him."

Randal blindly charged at them but not with the intention of fighting. He managed to duck under them and get into the store which he thankfully forgot to lock. He watched the small group banging at the video store door and grinned, "This job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers."  


End.

**__**

Epilogue

"I did it! I saw the sailboat! I saw the god damn fucking sailboat!"

End. (really)

Well what did you think? Like the previous one, this took over a month to type up and I'm quite pleased with the finished product. Still, there may be huge glaring errors in things like the mental institution and Dante going to school a couple days a week so if these ARE huge glaring errors don't hesitate to point them out. Thanks to all the people who gave such high marks to _Hardly Clerkin_ and I hope this lives up to it.


End file.
